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I don't mind whacky characters, which is good because I've seen lots & lots of 'em over the years. One of my favorites was a young man I encountered on the streets of Billings, Montana years ago. This nutcase used to wear lipstick, powder, rouge and a skimpy tight-fitting pink ballerina costume while roller skating through downtown Billings. Here and there he'd stop and do fancy ballet moves, and then, like Peter Pan, zip on down the street—often to the laughter and applause of passersby. But the Billings ballerina couldn't hold a candle to some of the divine nutcases I've found in the bible, such as the whacko who ate honey-coated bugs, and ran around in the scorching desert heat wearing a girdle and a shirt made of camel's hair!
I want to give the guy some long-overdue recognition—J the B that is, not the Billings ballerina. You see, J the B is one of the few bible dudes who called Jesus Christ a liar and lived to tell the tale. Well, he didn't live too long since he got his head whacked off, but still J the B boldly went where no man had gone before, if I may be allowed to paraphrase Captain Kirk.
We're introduced to J the B in Matthew 3:1-6: "And in those days cometh John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judea, saying, Repent ye; for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. For this is he that was spoken of through Isaiah the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Make ye ready the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. Now John himself had his raiment of camel's hair, and a leather girdle about his loins; and his food was locusts and wild honey. Then went out unto him Jerusalem, and all Judea, and all the region round about the Jordan; and they were baptized of him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins."
Jesus Christ, who was J the B's cousin, gave one of his first tent revival meetings a boost when, in Matthew 17:11-13, he made the claim that his cousin was none other than the prophet Elijah: "That's right. Elijah is supposed to come and make all things new again. But I tell you, Elijah has already come.... Then the disciples understood that Jesus was talking to them about John the Baptist." (New International Reader's Version. Also see Matthew 11:13-14 and Mark 9:13.) Now, JC doesn't bother to explain whether he was talkin' resurrection or reincarnation here, but then it really doesn't matter since it all comes down to the same thing: John the B was really the prophet Elijah! Oh yes he was: Jesus said so!
The reason Jesus was able to sell this claim to his followers was because in the Old Testament there are some prophecies that say one day Elijah would come on the scene, although by the time JC got through with them he'd twisted the meaning into something other than what the prophecies said. Let's look at 'em:
In Malachi 3:1-5 it's the LORD himself talking, by which I mean Yahweh, or, in English, Jehovah: "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come, says the LORD Almighty. But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years. So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me, says the LORD Almighty."
Malachi 4:1-3, 5-6: Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire," says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them. But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I do these things," says the LORD Almighty.... See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse. (NIV)
So, a resurrected Elijah, or a reincarnated Elijah, will come on the scene just before the dreadful day of the LORD, when damned near everyone on earth would be tortured and murdered and then burned to ashes because they didn't belong to the right church. Now the question I've asked countless Christians, without ever getting a reply except their warning to others that I was an anti-Christ, is that if Jesus was the Messiah of Malachi and all the other messianic prophecies, then why, after Elijah/John the Baptist came, didn't he immediately smite most of the planet and turn it to ashes? Why didn't he then establish the kingdom of God and bring peace to the earth, or what was left of the earth, as the prophets foretold? Hey! The prophecies plainly say that there is no time gap between Elijah and the dreadful day of the LORD! And yet Christians are taught that after getting himself nailed to a cross 2,000 years ago, JC zipped off the planet to live in never-neverland and hasn't shown his face since—and the only ashes Christians trample under foot are those left over after a Sunday afternoon weenie roast!
Anyway, the Gospels give us more insight into the Big B, such as this little tidbit in Matthew 3:3: "For this is he that was spoken of by the prophet Esaias [Isaiah], saying, the voice of one crying in the wilderness, prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight." Would you care to see what the editors of The Collegeville Bible Commentary have to say about what you just read? No. Well, I'll tell ya anyway: "The citation [in Matthew] is not quite accurate and does not give the original meaning of the passage." (The Collegeville Bible Commentary: Based on the New American Bible, revised edition. Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, 1988, p. 437.)
Now, let's see what it is that the boys at Collegeville were talking about by going back to Isaiah. The KJV renders Isaiah 40:3 thus: "The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God." The Tanakh translates this, "A voice rings out: 'clear in the desert a road for the Lord! Level in the wilderness a highway for our God!" The New International Version: "A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God." The New American Standard says: "A voice is calling, 'Clear the way for the Lord in the wilderness; Make smooth in the desert a highway for our God."
Hey! If this is about John the Baptist I'll start eatin' honey-flavored locust myself! Put simply, Isaiah 40:3 is not about John the Baptist—you only think it is because that's what you've heard all your life! The "voice" in the prophecy of Isaiah was not in the "wilderness"; the voice was to proclaim that a highway was to be built in the "wilderness". This is all-telling because Isaiah is a prophecy about the redemption of the end-time Israelites and their return to Israel, whereas in Matthew it's twisted to foretell the career of a solar-deity named Jesus Christ!
For the more skeptical Christians among you—those who'd like to tell me where to put my bible—may I suggest that you turn off the t.v., put down the chips and crack open your handy dandy bible to Isaiah 11:16: "And there shall be an highway for the remnant of His people which shall be left, from Assyria; like as it was to Israel in the day that he came up out of the land of Egypt." Now, turn to Isaiah 19:23: "In that day shall there be a highway out of Egypt to Assyria, and the Assyrian shall come into Egypt ..." Next read Isaiah 34:35: "The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them; and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose." Let's toss in Isaiah 35:8: "And a highway shall be there and a way, and it shall be called the way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those; the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein." Isaiah 35:10 makes it clear that this highway goes to Zion, or Jerusalem, and the people walking on it are returning Israelites! Add all this to Isaiah 40:5: "And the Glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it!"
For all you bible-believin' Christians, let me ask you this: When cousins John & Jesus were doing their thing 2,000 years ago, did the above happen? Did the earth's wicked burn up? Did the righteous tread down their ashes beneath the soles of their feet? Did all twelve tribes of Israel return via some super highway to Zion? Did the whole earth see the revelation of the glory of the LORD? Yeah, right! Hey baby, if J the B was Elijah and Jesus was the LORD, then Jehovah or Yahweh or God or whatever you care to call him, lied through his teeth—if gods do indeed have teeth!
Oh. That's right. I told you that J the B was one of the few dudes who called Jesus a liar and lived to tell the tale. Flip on over to John 1:21 and take a look at what the guy said when he was talkin' to a bunch of Pharisees: "And they [the Pharisees] asked him [John the Baptist], What then? Art thou Elijah? And he saith, I am not. Art thou the prophet? And he answered, No." (ASV)
Yep! No doubt about it! When J the B denied being Elijah, he called Cousin JC a liar!
Well, my money's on Cousin John, since he ought to know who the hell he was, or was not, and since JC was a notorious liar anyway. But come to think of it, maybe the guy had eaten one too many bugs.
In Matthew 11:3 we find John sittin' around in prison awaiting his execution. I can certainly understand the poor guy feeling a bit down on that day, but I have to wonder if the guy was completely off his rocker when he sent two of his disciples to Jesus with this question: "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?"
Eating bugs, wearing girdles, hearing voices from heaven, being reincarnated; that John the B was one messed up dude. But at least I can give Jesus credit when he tried to cover up for his slightly insane cousin by telling a crowd in Matthew 11:11: "Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist!"
Hmmm ... on the other hand maybe JC didn't do such a good job covering for his cousin. I mean, if John was greater than Jesus Christ, then Christianity is worshiping the wrong savior! Oh well. Who can figure out anything when it comes to guys who hear voices in their heads? I guess the only good news about the John & Jesus Show is that Cousin John's severed head managed to reproduce itself over the centuries, since at least a dozen Christian churches and shrines claim to have it, or a piece of it. My only question is: do all those heads still hear voices?
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